impulse writer.

i feel like all three companions of dorothy combined in one- the heartless, brainless, gutless mess. when we talk you like to throw my name in there, even though its just us. i dont know how to take that. but this gutless, brainless, heartless mess feels lucky to even come across your mind. so thanks. thats it. good night. im not going to sleep..... but ill be quiet.

(p.s.ithinkiwoulddrivethroughthenighttoyou)

friends are the third most important thing to you next to your heartbeat and love...

a friend told me today:

Do you know the replacements song "they're blind". Its probably my favorite lyric ever about being on XXXX XXXXXX.

"The things you hold dearly are scoffed at and yearly judged once and then cast aside.

'Cause they're blind, they hold you too close to the light
And I see what they only might if they'd learn but they're letting you burn 'cos they're blind."

headlikeaholeblackareyoursoleidratherdiethangiveyoucontrol.

to you (unfinished, off the top of my head)

It all started with some friends
a kick drum inside my ribs
Hes preaching electric into a microphone stand
Raise your red plastic cup
And Turn the laughter up
We fell asleep in the grass on the summer fest days
You'd never guess I'm still trying to get my head screwed on straight
All us believers still believe
Everytime we sing it loud
Someone shoulda thrown us in a cell and swallowed the key
Somebody shoulda told us to leave em be
They'll tell you everything about last night that you forget
I'm not ready for things to change
I miss you missing me in the good old days
Got stuck in the cell of you and me
I guess it still beat solitary
-----Worry worry
Put my head in such a f(l)urry
Freckle freckle
What makes you so special-------
One of these days yr gonna wake up in heaven
Laugh about that night you got four stitches above your eye
Never trust a friend that wouldn't bleed for you
Never believe in anyone who wouldn't drive through the night
(To you)
They never tell you in school you'll feel so alone
Wake me up again when were in the same time zone
The way I'd take a cornfield over a coast
Mulitply me times what you adore most
There were nights between yellow lines
When I confessed to you riding shotgun asleep under purple skies
They say
You get what you get
Well we Got lost in the middle of nowhere And you almost quit
Tonight Come together
Come apart
You can get lonely when u
Only read the charts
Called everybody I knew in this life
Can we get it together just for tonite

I miss old friends and "play it agains"
Please Send my love,
to everyone above

she

was the saddest girl to ever hold a martini.

fuck me gently with a chainsaw

Been reading bret ellis lately.

i can almost see it. elvis costello watching you at my window.

one red. one blue.

lenses or pills im not quite sure as of late.

Sometimes I think I need you more than I should.
The elephant in the room is going off inside my chest.

Icicles in my fingertips.
Always feeling like we are just waiting on the world to end.
I wish this was easier.
I'm terrified you'll regret your best intentions.
"You are the reason behind my smile".

I've never grown up.
Stuck inside the palm of a fortune teller.
I'd tell you the future of everything.
If I only had a clue.

Real or imaginary.
Sometimes I'm not sure who is real and who is realistic.
Sometimes I feel each and every mile in my veins.

Counting the tiles on the bathroom floor.
Recounts of every attempt to quiet the world for just a little bit.
What would your mom say about the mess you (really) are?

Hide and go seek sickness (30 day detox).
What's wrong is the only thing that has ever felt right.

I (don't) wanna
I w(on't)ill let myself sometimes
Pull a hood up and turn the volume up on the headphones
Think of what it'd be like not to think at all

A funeral built for two
shudders in the thunder
lightning in our words
(you make my hair stand on end)

sabotage my head (it is an inside job)
ransom (letters) in bottles
letters sealed with broken hearts and tears

we're the dreamers that never win
make believe your way out of this
this isn't over by a longshot.

it's like a car crash in reverse.
or maybe even in slow motion
either way you don't see me coming.
but you always know the way fear tastes in your throat.

It's the end of the summer and I'm feeling (self) destructive.

Unsupervised and unwise
push it to the edge.
feel the rush of almost giving in.

I'm only at my best when I'm at my worst

Hot and cold flashes
indecisive choices
the red or blue pill
let's take them all and really escape reality.

let's hang out in the bottom of a well
rescue MEmories.

i am in love with the city that raised me.

seriously.

it messes with my head every time i am away.

i miss that place. the way eyes look and hugs from friends feel there.

boomerang my head. back to the city i grew up in.

are you "the rooster of illusion" or a wild goose in a chase?

im awake in their time and on your time too lately.

while you plan a puzzle it can be harder to put together when the pieces keep changing on their own. they all fit together. they all make sense in some way. even if they dont.

what if its a decoy to distract us from something fifty times bigger?

come on.

answers by monday or some rookie leaves their gun and badge on the desk forever.
600XX

edit:

i meant fuck off and die.

not im sorry.

i hope

i dont miss you tommorrow.

i love the way this city looks at night.

crazy is just a perspective. (i am sid and nancy)

because we just need a more refined version of mayhem.

these days im always in and out of somnia

there is something pavlovian about all of this.

i know i am not allowed to explain it outloud.
i know i am not allowed to sign it.

but you understand.

i think youre getting it.

loud and clear.

its obvious right now this is where the party starts with you and me all alone.

the new klosterman book is pretty good. dude is definitely the ultimate geek.

i think he is probably either the most self aware person on the planet and a complete genius or completely oblvious and therefor a complete genius anwyay.

The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

ive been having crazy dreams. very colorful and memorable.

in the 80s there were quite a few movies made about robots wanting human emotions and babysitting experiences gone bad. both are really funny. where are all those movies now?

i got the front of my car smashed last night

chasing you off my (intellectual)property.

yet i still want to believe as much as you.

or you less than me.

there is a code of words when inputed in the right order that will make sense:

Control Feral Obsessed Blackout,

sadly that is not it. alone.

if i believe does it make it real like a dragon or real like the last 4 years?

chop suey

trees will make a forest
trees will make a boat
these are all the harder
words youl have to know
leaving from her family
she threw a fit
now shes got a brick house
theres no children in it

cars are little blood cells
we are oxygen
city is the airways
suburbs appendages
she was feeling lonely
she left her hive
drove right down to texas
and brought her pride

little cities names are labeled on no maps
tied her up and laid her on the train tracks

howling at a concrete moon

its funny how you can let one thing dictate your entire life.

the one thing i learned in the past few years is that its not worth it to let friends go or miss opportunities because you are scared to let go. its one of my great regrets. i have spent the last few months putting that all back together and it feels better than ever. dont waste your time. its really not worth it. i really want to take the time to apologize- i had a bit of a rough patch and it influenced how i treated my friends- all because i was caught up in the idea of what one or two people wanted from me. its really made me rethink the person i wanted to be. im truly past who i was. please dont revel in it. i feel more free now than i ever was then.

go see the moving "the fall". one of my favorite stories of the year so far.

Peroxide princess
Shine like shark teeth
when yr born ten years past your prime
I know its trivial
But You know I'm sorry when I get mercurial
"I don't care what u think as long its about me"
Its a sign
What if
You peaked early
Bombay gin do me in
Wait for tomorrow to kick in
Are the good times getting gone

everybody is so something

spirits escape southwards
in search of warmer temperatures and time shares

someone please tell me what makes these arbitrary progressions in time significant
cuz i just dont see it

listentorichardmcgraw

the end isnt here nor is it near. this isnt the end, this is just the beginning

i have never been more awake in my life.

do you ever get the feeling that you cant swim but are about to be thrown in the deep end.


and in some pavlovian kind of way you will tread water.
beautiful.
you will doggie paddle.


instead of sinking to the bottom like a brick...

you will become an island.

become you.

you will grow. white sands.

one day people will sit on them in the shade of trees and think the same thoughts.

this is the only thing i have ever been truly sure of.

"its scientifically proven that humans favorite word is their own names..."

can we keep this one just between you and me?

to you. to the old me. to the new me. the knew me:

Everyone thinks that they're special. That their chip was programmed different. That their antenna picks up some other sattellite. And were right and were wrong. Were not as leaky and broken as wed like to think. Were not bob. we're not kurt. But this doesn't mean we don't have insight and perspective that are completely blurry through the camera of the world. We just need to practice our focus. Make things a bit sharper. That's what I'm doing. Practicing.

Be like your ipod. Put your life on shuffle.

pain as much from the stars and black cats as from childhood. big star states spit big stars. chew 36 times exactly before you swallow your pride. you know how it goes? i want to chase the midnight glow in my veins. how do i get as big as that star on your state so youll pay attention to me. smash that glass bowl on the floor and get our keys. lets drive to another state or to mexico and watch the old men drunk on watered down beer- laugh about the way we used to be even though were still exactly the same. where do we begin? lonely spiders under our skin, regail us with tales of young love in the bottom of bottles defended by crocodile scales.

this place can spin boring. slow and steady. it can storm and scare you. wars and famine. but everyonce in awhile the planets align and it can charm you. make you not wish you were other people, but hope you get the chance to know them so they can know you too. make you not hate the delay at the airport but get to know that your friend on the phone is gonna be able to finish the whole 3am story he was skipping through for you.

essentially life is a public laundrymat. i do my dirty laundry in front of you. and you let me know if there are any stains left. sometimes we connect with eachothers stains and just wear them like badges shining in the sun.

this is us wishing we were you wishing you were us.
neverending.

thank you for being steady. for never getting sick at sea.

im putting me back on shuffle.

a note i wrote on a napkin in my house a month ago (therumormillstone)

voted boy most likely to match the bpm
got a pumpkin moon smile dont ever listen to them
my head is a pinata
beat it open and watch the bad ideas fall like candy
im the sweettooth for the dental truth
hiccuping solar flares at hampton stares

a whos who
of whos not
alphadog
omegalomaniac

slow dancing in a bathroom stall.

this is me.

disarmed.

dreaming of the east coast

i'll be leaving this city pretty soon. too soon or just soon enough i havent yet decided. late tonight the moonlight carved its way into my room as though it was light as day. i was sitting here reading kerouac but not a story, just his journals- him writing about writing. i need an adventure. i need the open road. i need the daily diner and nightly motel life. i need to hear your stories. to hear you. or else this is all worthless. a house filled with things that dont matter.

icantwaittogetalive.

you can have it all, my empire of dirt

i was told a tour story of bob dylan--how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could. it kind of made me laugh in some strange way.

but mostly it made me think.

catchin z's like they're a trend

i am a time capsule.
give me some bit of truth and i will show it back to you on your deathbed.
my eyes are always rubbed red.
every new lark has been designed to perfection- down to the wide-eyed wonder.
everything else is wrecked and broken down on the side of the road, and thats if im lucky.
lets dance the tarantella until the morning light comes round and i can see more clearly.


im always up until it gets light out. waiting.
for something that never happens.

im leaving on a jet plane, dont know when ill be back again...

when i was younger, alot younger, i went through a phase where i used to carry a letter filled with words i have never told anyone. maybe one day ill get some courage and a stamp.

love the ruiner of hearts.

sometimes the past seems too big for the present to hold.

i get bright ideas in dark rooms
red rooster combs on our head
we are galaxies
a catipillar that got stuck
mr moth come quick with any luck
long walk in a dark house
a roman candle heart
keep us far apart

this is all too reminiscent of things past
every bridge starts to look the same
when they are just blackened piles of rubble
this is deja vu personified.

all full of love so much that my teeth are floating.

now.

the oxidation of Joan of Arc.

the mind drinks less and less.
impatience.
highways full of crowds going somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, nowhere.
The gasoline refugee.
Towns turn into motels,
people in nomadic surges from place to place,
following the moon tides,
living tonight in the room where you slept this noon and I the night before.

part two (i forget so much of what i write its beginning to scare me).

hes a lonely planet
dont stir and wake
everythings ok
give or take
the cats got the canary spinning in its ribcage
did i mention i came dressed for the intervention
(and if you were dying soon would you try to find snow in the deep summer
the june bugs dancing in wonder
and i still wonder now
if my words will stil turn you inside out)
hes a honeyjar
with that pretty face, lets never lose the lid
and keep those rosey lips in
(he breathes wet through insect eyes)
in multiples of four, no less than sixteen
mr. sandmans been showing his beam
when he walks into a room the walls lean in to listen
keep a calendar this way youll know the last time you came through
oh.
"i know what youre going through"
well i dont- its more of a "paper or plastic" grocery store choice to me
but ill sympathize with anything to get through to you
do you know what its like to watch reruns of yourself night after night
to offer nothing and expect everything in return
to cock your head just right to appear arrogantly humble
if we hurry well make the morning edition
cos everybody likes to read the bad news
theyve tapped the phone be very careful what you say
speak in code about singing birds and sleepy eyed women
his heads a junkyard for rusted midnight thoughts
hes criminally carefree
when the pills swallow the worry
hes digging like forty nine
hes making you press rewind
hes a thunderstorm so bright you shut your eyes
he is a hurricane

honestly, afraid. i cant ever sleep either.

Put the the planets in swing
Make jupiter sing
The afternoon light
Ignites
The back of my head
Spend years trying to cloud our head and not feel a thing
Just to turn around and erase the clouds so we can remember everything
Throw handcuffs on that boy
When the check comes he never pays
His cheekbones carve my moods
He shakes like a leaf
He's clicking like an old answering machine
He howls at the moon
He's breathes wet thru insect eyes
Canyon lights at night chase away the boring days

And I don't worry about death because I've seen the date I'm gonna die and its so far away.

Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world.

its oddly haunting the way that sometimes entries from a year ago can reflect perfectly how i feel today.
its like an echo sent out over the weeks and months and pages of the calendar.
not always but sometimes.

a few weeks ago i considered mentioning the fact that while i once wrote "every new years is worse than the last" i didnt feel that way anymore
oh eight had broken the january curse
now im glad i didnt
cuz i realized it might not have
it may have just pushed it back a month
or extended it, depending on how this all looks on play-back

i find it a bit odd to be waiting for retrospect

its easy to get older not so much wiser

the light splashes in and out. its almost violent. everything rational inside of me tells me that its the dull white of a voicemail. but my eyes are playing tricks on me. i see it purple textured velvet. the tv is blaring whatever. i can see light is sneaking in the cracks everywhere of this house. like vermin. take a vote, the eyes have it. there is too much space here. between me and everything else in this room. i wish i had a habit bad or not just to pass the time.

cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep

nothing lasts forever, except the earth and sky.
i should have become a farmer.

everything real in love and life comes without batteries included

The world is your oyster, what does that mean? That I'm just grinding sand waiting to be sucked down by box dye blondes and chased with hynotik. .... dumb-luck, but there's no such thing as smart luck. Happy as a clam but how happy can clams be? Dreaming of being steamed or robbed of their only worldly possession, pearls, sounds like a total soccer mom fantasy- only with upscale spas and mugger fantasies. I am a starfish waiting to regenerate a point. Till then, I am kind of pointless. I got a bad rap for not caring but I still pay my dues and wear my seat-belt in front seats- though I'm considering changes. I am a fixer-upper. Feeling the buzz but too far off the hive for any of the other bees to get it. And man I gotta tell you, the years are like friends in your childhood. They stop being so friendly. They only want to reminisce. And no matter what they keep moving and changing you whether you want them to or not. Drive, fuck, and sleep safe. I'd like to know that you awaken in the morning with out a headache or blurry eyes. Love is in the air, just get ourselves the right equipment to grab it. Its like moths headed for the brightest light, which aint me. But I'm ready to sweat and run and get there. And just cause you got a scar on your wrist or a charcoal stomach, were supposed to get eachother? Cause I don't really even get me. I'm too busy calling everyone else crazy- in these late slurred debates on how everyone else is not exactly like us- to worry about you calling me crazy. Tho all the other rhymes for crazy work on me lazy, hazy, etc.

notes on change.

i hate explaining my own interpretations to people. id rather you come up with your own- but this one seems to be pretty glaring....

there is a distinct difference between the idea "seasons change, but people dont" and the idea "everyone changes". this difference is simply the connotations of the two. in the former: the idea is brought forth that there are certain parts of you that are inherently there. forever. whether they are a part of your DNA or how you were raised- they are so deep and solidly rooted they cannot change. to me these are your ideals, your morality, your internal monologue. they remain constant though are defined differently as your mind and heart mature. to simplify, people who are kind have something switched on within them that will not change. on the other extreme malicious people will always be malicious. not to say there isnt gray area between the two- where someone who is kind can act maliciously and vice versa. obviously there are more rare examples where something can impact someone in such a tremendous way that it will cause a deep change in them. these remain constant through celebrity, through tragedy, through happiness, through loss. i can feel certain things in myself and ways that i know i will always feel- no matter what else changes around me. if you read my actual diary entries from when i was 12 to now, while the language and subject matter has changed- and hopefully has gotten a bit better. my subconscious impacting me and my decisions seems to remain faithful. however, what was meant by the latter "everyone changes, i used to be tiny", is the idea of growing up. honestly, i am not who i was a year ago or 3 years ago or 10 years ago. i think i would hate myself if i never changed. this is an experiment more than anything. if new cultures, people, and art didnt impact me and change me than this would be fraudulent. i hope most of these changes are for the better, though i know i am human and make mistakes. sometimes i turn right when i should have turned left. but anything you loved or hated about me from the beginning have not changed- these are the things that make us each different from each other and either magnetize or polarize from others.