i think this is a bit of an overestimation.

ill need to take up gardening or something if im gonna be around this long.

the only thing suicidal here are the doors.

weve been indoctrinated to crave the idea of the extraordinary ordinary
we accept the blogs and camera phones as mediums, not as in the transfer of information, but more closely defined to the idea of the spiritual medium...- as the prophets, the eye and pyramid on the dollar bill
we are just flies on the wall watching a culture have a nervous breakdown.
everyone is born between may 22 and june 22, even if theyre not- we are a gemini generation. we love to hate everything in other people that we hate about ourselves.
arrogantly insecure and vice versa.
and life lately is just always about the spins and collateral damage.
sometimes the snow and ground frost shut us both down
in love with the idea of permanent impermanence.
so careful of stuttered over articulation, as though saying the word better would somehow make it mean more.
the worlds worst kind of diary.
i wish i could pull the pause button off of every electronic gadget in my home- i despise it so.
strangely fulfilled by the idea of loving strangers and hating my friends.
how there had to be an inkling in the head of neal armstrong to just stay on the moon and wait for the air to run out, besides the fact thats what we are all doing sort of in the long run only he'd have a better view.

a sketch of Chicago in words.

afternoon rhythmic no sleep dream.
body rigid.
mind convulsing.
i went scanning thru frequencies as my eyelids stuck shut.
reminds me of the first time the emt's gave birth to me.
or back to me.
whats the difference between a vision and a hallucination is simply whos giving the diagnosis.
the visions were so bright they burnt shadows on the inside of the room.
were a wagon party.
i see the world in slow motion.
theres shivering everywhere.
too cold outside, too hot inside.
fall has stolen the country from here.
sleep never comes naturally anymore.
boys playing men in flannel shirts-
homage or parody of what once was.

whos gonna be left when its all and done?

im exploding just too slowly for anyone to take notice.

this machine kills fascists

after the pornstar john holmes career deflated he turned to showing up at LAX and stealing peoples bags off of the conveyor belt.
i watched someone do this to me at the airport today.
i am obsessed with the change that can turn in the world.

sometimes the message is more important than the art.
i need him more than he needs me, he needs her more than he needs me and so on.
theres nothing new under the sun
but were reading on existentialism in the shade.
i am so in love with the idea
if it werent for that i am not sure where i would turn.
i guess this is another halfhearted thank you. just because you keep tuning in.

"dont you think its insane how donald duck never wears pants?"

life is better when youre around.

but yes i do think its insane.

"our smiles are just a commercial for how normal we are"

the idea of protecting would imply that there is some possession-
a toast implies change.
noone toasts normals days
or gutter heads.
i swear to god i have come to love some of you so dearly.
i count on you to get me by.
but i have begun to wonder about my contribution to life
i want to go to school.
i want to move far away.
im scared.
but only of god and a witness stand.
im not sure how much longer i want to do this if it doesnt mean anything-
i need a push a sign something that puts me back on course.

if i go for it you tell me i shouldnt have.
if i lay and wait you think i dont care.
i want to believe so badly.
morning is just a cold shower for dreams.
broke the little bone on top of my foot.
oh well i am so accident prone, i owed the universe some marrow.
not gonna back out on you.
3rd time in an mri this year.
there is no room colder or smaller.
there is something about the repetitive clicking that gives me visions.
i really feel for people who truly have to go through this on a daily basis or need crutches everyday of their life. honestly it is humbling for me.
and i probably needed that humility.
thanks for your understanding.
the painkillers and pride have my head in a bit of a tangle.
help me unwind it.
is there a song you count on every time?

i swear by the baxters
and the dropouts who only kept the books and the freshman fifteen
awake inside someone elses dream
alone in someone elses throne
gift wrapped wasp nest
blue ribbon jealousy contest
cant make everyone in the world unhappy all of the time
theres no glory on the road
its just a quick way to make you old
theres a new order
my disorders



i am just a sweettooth in the cavity search of life