i pack heat like an oven door.

as i run away from everything i have ever known. just whisper in my ear:
"and the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace when you love some one but it goes to waste could it be worse? Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you High up above or down below When you're too in love to let it go But if you never try you'll never know Just what you're worth Lights will guide you home"

so obvious. so much more brilliant than i could ever imagine to be.

be bright and shine. its dark. im sorry ive come so off course.
tell the pilot to clear us to land in your backyard.

plain jane and the boy next door.

there is one single pair of eyes that could ever decode any of this.
put another "x" on the calander. summer is on its deathbed. there is simply nothing worse than knowing the ending- that no matter what curve balls or uphill battles come your way- it still turns out the same. last year it was stripes and pumps, this year its dancefloors and you. she keeps talking, i keep staying the same. did you ever change your mind about someone and then just realize it was a fucking haircut. put me in a frame on your wall, just to keep me out of trouble. i gotta say i admire mcr for being willing to change themselves completely on their new record. they could have just made a safe record, the same old same old. but they didnt. its like when the ad campaign rolls out everyone is smiling and at their best even if they are not sure.
an affectionate friend told me everything i ever needed to know about anything. "freeze! put down that fucking laptop!". everything is always either digging a hole or digging yourself out of one. and just when you have it all figured out you should just sift through your pile of "never again"s. quite a collection. blow off the dust. im sure they will be worth something to someone sometime. its buzzing in the back of your head and out your fingertips. pull back the shade- the road outside of my house is paved with good intentions. but it is hell on the undercarriage of the car so we're gonna have to hire a construction crew. i wonder if anyone else thinks of you as much as i do, even you.

"If I should call you up, invest a dime
And you say you belong to me and ease my mind
Imagine how the world could be, so very fine
So happy together... "

a mutual misunderstanding. kaleidoscope eyes sparkle on pillows in the dark. and i dont care what anyone thinks of that except me. put the love on hold, anticipation is on the other line and excitement called while you were out.

imagine me and you.....

i am your best imaginary friend. (white lies, gray love).

at the end of it the only thing that we are promised in life is a hole in the ground. sometimes it gets you through the rough patches just to think that you could change someone. it makes you love them to think that they would change for you. but like i said before its more like the james bond series than anything else- different actors, same character. same shitty dialogue, same shitty songs for the same hearts. and anyone that says any different is a goddamned liar or worse, is just too much of an optimist to pay anything mind. talking to you is like selling fire in hell. it can be done, but youre probably gonna have to tell a few white lies to make it happen. and anyone that changes only does it in front of your eyes and changes back when in the blackness of their own room. anyone can paint a gutter to make it look like gold. it only feels strange when the paint washes away. "love me with your head, not your heart". cigarettes on window sills. i love the way the smoke curls off. it makes me think we are in a period piece until the lexus hybrid drives by the front of your house. its efficient, just like you. when you are thinking about the first place where it all went wrong- please keep me in mind. you are ancient history- whichever side of this sentence you are on doesnt feel so great. you lob reassurance at me only im playing a different game. sometimes you just want to know that all is okay with the world and that you can sleep tight. only it never is when you need it to be. i keep talking and never say a thing. sleep easy. be well.
i am still. i cant think of a single thing. it hits me like a wave. get me out of my mind.
"ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outsspeak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit

i am a sentimental pessimist, dont believe the fucking smile ever.

love,

xo

i miss calls but i miss you more

i dont want her to know that i dont want to know

darling why must you tell me such things

you think youre a boat in a safe harbor when youre with me girl
but youre really a bull in a china shop

black holes and revelations.

i wrote a really long entry. than i remembered what you said tonight.
i realized nothing except more things that i dont know the answer to.
ive been giving up on myself one heartbeat at a time.


all these questions are asphyxiating.
i wonder if my life is like Mcbeth
where all the people that fill the rolls are cursed from the moment they speak the name.
and of course everyone dies in the end.
oh bill you were so melodrmaric

the sky is strange half a world away.

i cant wait to get home to you.

hangin up phones & breakin up bones since 1989

Of all the minorities-born into, joined, and otherwise-of all the private clubs and subcultures, love is by far the most exclusive.

and we conspire against ourselves. ("are you lying?" only if her lips are moving).

you spend every waking moment and many sleeping ones thinking of one heart, one person. you let it slip, they let it slip. who knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces you keep grabbing them and collecting them less like for a museum of things that used to matter and more like you are going to keep putting it back together. except there are always a few pieces missing each time. deep breaths. slow your heart beat. the road winds. there was a time before you always felt like this. try to remember. you are being pulled in every direction. everything is bigger under the microscope. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. "hello- i am middle ground. how come we've never met before". sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a shot at it. i dont have big dreams, i just want to be okay. it comes down to my word versus your word versus the worlds word and i dont think i want to anymore. im worn out. my head is full, my eyes are empty. i am a mess and have no idea, ever. i am constantly reminded of how much better i could and should be, and jealous of it, from the children on the street walking hand in hand with their mothers to the homeless man content with his world of a bench. and noone knows the way i spend my nights counting the individuals grains in the tiles in the bathroom, the coolness of the floor the only comfort- or if anyone does they dont want to hear it, i cant blame you... i dont even want to hear it anymore. in the mornings the world is blurry. it comes in and out of focus. this is when its the worst. when i awake from a dream to realize that none of it was real, possibly ever.

one of the only things stranger than realizing you are along in this world, is realizing that you are not.

pupils the size of baby worlds.

every bad decision is put on file for later viewing. mapquest your way back to me, take a turn for the worse and then continue for .5 miles. i want to file a restraining order against myself.
and i want to be myself again looking at my reflection in your eyes from the first time i failed you. i am nostalgic for disaster. i want it back.

he sleeps sound. he has no care for what buzzes and changes in the world around him.
because of this i envy him.

runing away from a city because of one single heartbeat. it doesnt make sense.
its not that i dont trust you, actually it is. and i dont trust myself when i think of you. i sell myself out.
i wish you were awake right now. i just want to let myself be happy

since j.t. is bringing sexy back, i guess i am out of a job. is borders hiring?

what is the opposite of amnesia? because that is what i have.
sometimes i cant find my way around my memories.
i have to take detours.
i think you were the best one.
its like it was never really going anywhere and alot of breakdowns but really it made for the best trip.
its strange to land here and be completely out of place.
but at the same time not really.
i never really felt like i understood anything anyone was saying anywhere. so how different can this be?
its like it always was.
i have affection imprinted deep inside my head.
its why am always on the verge of love or giving up.
or thats what i am convinced of today- tommorrow it will be something new.
dear drugstore cowboy, the chemical balance is a bit off.

its 7 am in california, 11pm in japan.but my head is always on central standard.
how are you gonna get your way out of this one?
baby you are a canary and i am a coalmine.
the moon is out and its convincing me, it has me all kinds of crazy.
maybe will just go to sleep and wake up on the summer sheets i grew up on.because how could any of this be real.

"answer the phone, i know that youre home. i want to get you alone...."

heat makes for the strangest of thoughts

the only inevitablity in life is death.
from the moment we are born we are slowly dying.
it is the only thing that remains constant.
how horrifying.
time to go outside and play.