are you "the rooster of illusion" or a wild goose in a chase?

im awake in their time and on your time too lately.

while you plan a puzzle it can be harder to put together when the pieces keep changing on their own. they all fit together. they all make sense in some way. even if they dont.

what if its a decoy to distract us from something fifty times bigger?

come on.

answers by monday or some rookie leaves their gun and badge on the desk forever.
600XX

edit:

i meant fuck off and die.

not im sorry.

i hope

i dont miss you tommorrow.

i love the way this city looks at night.

crazy is just a perspective. (i am sid and nancy)

because we just need a more refined version of mayhem.

these days im always in and out of somnia

there is something pavlovian about all of this.

i know i am not allowed to explain it outloud.
i know i am not allowed to sign it.

but you understand.

i think youre getting it.

loud and clear.

its obvious right now this is where the party starts with you and me all alone.

the new klosterman book is pretty good. dude is definitely the ultimate geek.

i think he is probably either the most self aware person on the planet and a complete genius or completely oblvious and therefor a complete genius anwyay.

The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

ive been having crazy dreams. very colorful and memorable.

in the 80s there were quite a few movies made about robots wanting human emotions and babysitting experiences gone bad. both are really funny. where are all those movies now?

i got the front of my car smashed last night

chasing you off my (intellectual)property.

yet i still want to believe as much as you.

or you less than me.

there is a code of words when inputed in the right order that will make sense:

Control Feral Obsessed Blackout,

sadly that is not it. alone.

if i believe does it make it real like a dragon or real like the last 4 years?

chop suey

trees will make a forest
trees will make a boat
these are all the harder
words youl have to know
leaving from her family
she threw a fit
now shes got a brick house
theres no children in it

cars are little blood cells
we are oxygen
city is the airways
suburbs appendages
she was feeling lonely
she left her hive
drove right down to texas
and brought her pride

little cities names are labeled on no maps
tied her up and laid her on the train tracks

howling at a concrete moon

its funny how you can let one thing dictate your entire life.

the one thing i learned in the past few years is that its not worth it to let friends go or miss opportunities because you are scared to let go. its one of my great regrets. i have spent the last few months putting that all back together and it feels better than ever. dont waste your time. its really not worth it. i really want to take the time to apologize- i had a bit of a rough patch and it influenced how i treated my friends- all because i was caught up in the idea of what one or two people wanted from me. its really made me rethink the person i wanted to be. im truly past who i was. please dont revel in it. i feel more free now than i ever was then.

go see the moving "the fall". one of my favorite stories of the year so far.

Peroxide princess
Shine like shark teeth
when yr born ten years past your prime
I know its trivial
But You know I'm sorry when I get mercurial
"I don't care what u think as long its about me"
Its a sign
What if
You peaked early
Bombay gin do me in
Wait for tomorrow to kick in
Are the good times getting gone

everybody is so something

spirits escape southwards
in search of warmer temperatures and time shares

someone please tell me what makes these arbitrary progressions in time significant
cuz i just dont see it

listentorichardmcgraw

the end isnt here nor is it near. this isnt the end, this is just the beginning

i have never been more awake in my life.

do you ever get the feeling that you cant swim but are about to be thrown in the deep end.


and in some pavlovian kind of way you will tread water.
beautiful.
you will doggie paddle.


instead of sinking to the bottom like a brick...

you will become an island.

become you.

you will grow. white sands.

one day people will sit on them in the shade of trees and think the same thoughts.

this is the only thing i have ever been truly sure of.

"its scientifically proven that humans favorite word is their own names..."

can we keep this one just between you and me?

to you. to the old me. to the new me. the knew me:

Everyone thinks that they're special. That their chip was programmed different. That their antenna picks up some other sattellite. And were right and were wrong. Were not as leaky and broken as wed like to think. Were not bob. we're not kurt. But this doesn't mean we don't have insight and perspective that are completely blurry through the camera of the world. We just need to practice our focus. Make things a bit sharper. That's what I'm doing. Practicing.

Be like your ipod. Put your life on shuffle.

pain as much from the stars and black cats as from childhood. big star states spit big stars. chew 36 times exactly before you swallow your pride. you know how it goes? i want to chase the midnight glow in my veins. how do i get as big as that star on your state so youll pay attention to me. smash that glass bowl on the floor and get our keys. lets drive to another state or to mexico and watch the old men drunk on watered down beer- laugh about the way we used to be even though were still exactly the same. where do we begin? lonely spiders under our skin, regail us with tales of young love in the bottom of bottles defended by crocodile scales.

this place can spin boring. slow and steady. it can storm and scare you. wars and famine. but everyonce in awhile the planets align and it can charm you. make you not wish you were other people, but hope you get the chance to know them so they can know you too. make you not hate the delay at the airport but get to know that your friend on the phone is gonna be able to finish the whole 3am story he was skipping through for you.

essentially life is a public laundrymat. i do my dirty laundry in front of you. and you let me know if there are any stains left. sometimes we connect with eachothers stains and just wear them like badges shining in the sun.

this is us wishing we were you wishing you were us.
neverending.

thank you for being steady. for never getting sick at sea.

im putting me back on shuffle.

a note i wrote on a napkin in my house a month ago (therumormillstone)

voted boy most likely to match the bpm
got a pumpkin moon smile dont ever listen to them
my head is a pinata
beat it open and watch the bad ideas fall like candy
im the sweettooth for the dental truth
hiccuping solar flares at hampton stares

a whos who
of whos not
alphadog
omegalomaniac

slow dancing in a bathroom stall.

this is me.

disarmed.

dreaming of the east coast

i'll be leaving this city pretty soon. too soon or just soon enough i havent yet decided. late tonight the moonlight carved its way into my room as though it was light as day. i was sitting here reading kerouac but not a story, just his journals- him writing about writing. i need an adventure. i need the open road. i need the daily diner and nightly motel life. i need to hear your stories. to hear you. or else this is all worthless. a house filled with things that dont matter.

icantwaittogetalive.

you can have it all, my empire of dirt

i was told a tour story of bob dylan--how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could. it kind of made me laugh in some strange way.

but mostly it made me think.

catchin z's like they're a trend

i am a time capsule.
give me some bit of truth and i will show it back to you on your deathbed.
my eyes are always rubbed red.
every new lark has been designed to perfection- down to the wide-eyed wonder.
everything else is wrecked and broken down on the side of the road, and thats if im lucky.
lets dance the tarantella until the morning light comes round and i can see more clearly.


im always up until it gets light out. waiting.
for something that never happens.

im leaving on a jet plane, dont know when ill be back again...

when i was younger, alot younger, i went through a phase where i used to carry a letter filled with words i have never told anyone. maybe one day ill get some courage and a stamp.

love the ruiner of hearts.

sometimes the past seems too big for the present to hold.

i get bright ideas in dark rooms
red rooster combs on our head
we are galaxies
a catipillar that got stuck
mr moth come quick with any luck
long walk in a dark house
a roman candle heart
keep us far apart

this is all too reminiscent of things past
every bridge starts to look the same
when they are just blackened piles of rubble
this is deja vu personified.

all full of love so much that my teeth are floating.

now.

the oxidation of Joan of Arc.

the mind drinks less and less.
impatience.
highways full of crowds going somewhere, somewhere, somewhere, nowhere.
The gasoline refugee.
Towns turn into motels,
people in nomadic surges from place to place,
following the moon tides,
living tonight in the room where you slept this noon and I the night before.

part two (i forget so much of what i write its beginning to scare me).

hes a lonely planet
dont stir and wake
everythings ok
give or take
the cats got the canary spinning in its ribcage
did i mention i came dressed for the intervention
(and if you were dying soon would you try to find snow in the deep summer
the june bugs dancing in wonder
and i still wonder now
if my words will stil turn you inside out)
hes a honeyjar
with that pretty face, lets never lose the lid
and keep those rosey lips in
(he breathes wet through insect eyes)
in multiples of four, no less than sixteen
mr. sandmans been showing his beam
when he walks into a room the walls lean in to listen
keep a calendar this way youll know the last time you came through
oh.
"i know what youre going through"
well i dont- its more of a "paper or plastic" grocery store choice to me
but ill sympathize with anything to get through to you
do you know what its like to watch reruns of yourself night after night
to offer nothing and expect everything in return
to cock your head just right to appear arrogantly humble
if we hurry well make the morning edition
cos everybody likes to read the bad news
theyve tapped the phone be very careful what you say
speak in code about singing birds and sleepy eyed women
his heads a junkyard for rusted midnight thoughts
hes criminally carefree
when the pills swallow the worry
hes digging like forty nine
hes making you press rewind
hes a thunderstorm so bright you shut your eyes
he is a hurricane

honestly, afraid. i cant ever sleep either.

Put the the planets in swing
Make jupiter sing
The afternoon light
Ignites
The back of my head
Spend years trying to cloud our head and not feel a thing
Just to turn around and erase the clouds so we can remember everything
Throw handcuffs on that boy
When the check comes he never pays
His cheekbones carve my moods
He shakes like a leaf
He's clicking like an old answering machine
He howls at the moon
He's breathes wet thru insect eyes
Canyon lights at night chase away the boring days

And I don't worry about death because I've seen the date I'm gonna die and its so far away.

Try lying for a change, it's the currency of the world.

its oddly haunting the way that sometimes entries from a year ago can reflect perfectly how i feel today.
its like an echo sent out over the weeks and months and pages of the calendar.
not always but sometimes.

a few weeks ago i considered mentioning the fact that while i once wrote "every new years is worse than the last" i didnt feel that way anymore
oh eight had broken the january curse
now im glad i didnt
cuz i realized it might not have
it may have just pushed it back a month
or extended it, depending on how this all looks on play-back

i find it a bit odd to be waiting for retrospect